. .

i just want to start this off by saying i'm not looking for like. a pat on the back or a medal or anything but instead because i need to get this off my chest. 

//////////////////////////// TW: CSA ////////////////////////////

13 years ago, on what was basically the singular night that my mom left me alone with a babysitter at home, i was — to put it in technical terms — sexually assaulted. this girl was more than 10 years my senior and she now has a whole family with kids. i've been living with that for 13 years. very, VERY few people have ever known that, although i have mentioned in passing on twitter that i am a CSA victim.

today, i came out and told my parents what happened. 

it's easier to tell a stranger or someone you don't have that kind of a connection with because you don't really have anything to lose. as long as you have their trust, it's one more drop off the top of the overflowing barrel that you can make sure doesn't knock over and spill. people on the internet don't know me and thus won't exactly care.

but to tell your parents, usually, is to them a huge "YOU FAILED" sign. it's not a guilt trip tactic; they have every right to feel that way if they do. my mother worked as hard as she possibly could and worked unreal hours to make sure she would be available to pick me up from school and such so i wouldn't have to be at a daycare or babysitter. whether that was unnecessary or not is still something i'm trying to figure out, even after the fact.

i spent 13 years dreading what she'd say.

would she be ashamed?

would she have a heart attack?

would she have a nervous breakdown?

would she blame me for being careless?

none of those things. she said she was devastated that i had to live so long carrying the weight of that without being able to let it out to someone that mattered as much as she did. 

that said, i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i've lived with this for so long and have only dreamed of being able to say this to my parents that for me to say it and have that just.... not be a part of my life anymore is as liberating as it is incredibly confusing.

i know that being a CSA victim isn't something you should make into your identity and much less parade around. in fact, i'm even scared to say i am one on twitter due to the amount of sick fucks using their trauma (false or not) as some kind of fucked up get-out-of-jail-free card for being into vile fetishes. 

i hope that i won't be treated differently by them and i am glad that i was able to get this out. i know it's over, i know i don't have to hide it from them or anyone anymore. i know i'm not going to be labeled weak or careless or some kind of freak for something that wasn't my fault.

thank you for reading this, and i would appreciate that this doesn't get mentioned again in any context unless i directly bring it up.

love ya.