adulting p. i
dwhen i was young, adulthood felt like a definitive point in time - it seemed like once i got there, i would know it, and my circumstances at that point would somehow define what kind of adult i had become.
as it turns out, adulthood is a continuum that stretches out indefinitely in front of me till i die. what kind of an adult am i? i don’t know. i suppose it depends on when, along the continuum, you ask me. i’m still working on it.
i had spent 2 nights doing this before the graduation ceremony. (the design isn't pasted directly onto the graduation cap, its a detachable board, with a hole in the middle for the tassel to go through - yep it took damn long to figure out how to work it out without destroying the cap because i only rented it, and yes captain america has a big hole on his back when its taken off, so it looks like he got shot lol).
anyway i brought it with me on graduation day and i was super excited, i wanted to take a photo with it allll day. i don't know, i guess i felt that the day would be the momentous occasion that everything would work out perfect and maybe i would finally 'grow up'. that it would be the day which everything i've been through in the past 23 years of my life, all the struggles, the blood, sweat, and tears, would somehow magically come full circle. that i would enter adulthood feeling like i've conquered most of my demons..and would somehow be, worthy.
...nope. because when that day arrived, a couple of things happened, which made me feel like i didn't deserve to wear it. and in the end, i didn't attach it to my graduation cap and take a photo with it at all.
then, the next few days, more bad things kept happening, as how i saw it, again and again and again, things that i had naively defined my life with. it was just.. inevitable. but it made me realise that bad things will keep happening, if i always looked at the glass half empty. i spent so much time focusing on what was missing, that i forget to treasure and remember the good in everything else.
like, the progress ive made for the past 4 years.
i remember the first time raising my hand to classpart and just being so proud of myself lol i remember just going back to my posse of introvert friends, and celebrating the smallest achievement. it felt amazing. that was probably the only time i ever raised my hand that semester. as opposed to probably 2/3 times in my final semester? :') its progress.
i remember submitting my first assignment in year 1. i would start a week before a 2k paper was due, convincing myself i could get it done days before. um...actually, 19-year-old dian, you can’t. and at the end of my final year i still found myself submitting at 1158pm lol (its an amazing improvement from 1159 in year 1 ok). its progress.
i wish i could say it was all over it now that im not in uni but nope. bec news flash, dian, the world doesn't revolve around you. so you dont get to wait until its perfect or when youre in the mood, you just have to suck it up and do it.
the last 4 years have been a whirlwind of a ride and unimaginable experiences ive faced. from juggling assignments, club responsibilities, to facing the ever-daunting classpart monster, or crying over the smallest dumbest things, uni has taught me many valuable life lessons like; learning who i am, that being happy is always an option, and not doing readings is actually not a guaranteed disaster.
and at the end of my 4 years, the biggest nugget of wisdom i figured out is, that worthiness doesnt lie in finding a missing piece, validation from others, or the security of a full time job. it lies when i accept that i am enough exactly as i am. im slowly learning that no one can give that to me except myself. if i cant depend on anyone, i can at least i can always depend on God. and even if the future seems uncertain, and even if i'm still figuring myself out...alhamdulillah, looking at the many things i've been through and have been blessed with..maybe i am, somehow, worthy, while i'm on a journey to embracing me. 🕯