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in my final speech, i thought hard about what i should express. i knew i shouldnt trade honesty for relatability, but i wasnt ready to be vulnerable. so in the end i compromised to a grey area, to make sure everything was politically correct, cliche, and halal.

the truth is, it wasn't the whole truth. if i did tell the whole truth, it would comprise of unnecessary insecurities and doubts. even up till the end of my term, i still felt that i was incompetent. like the worst of my whole cohort of leaders. like actually suck. but ive come to that point in my life where i just didnt give a shit about what people think. i know im pretty sucky in some areas but that's all i need to know - my own level of self-awareness and how im working on it.

and as an introvert awkward hermit crab, i didnt like being in the center of attention. but i thought, hey maybe i could live with that. public speaking, sure, ill get used to it. going for meetings, ok no big. organising people, hmm i like planning, sure whatever.

but the toughest lesson i struggled so hard to live with, is that no one is 'friends' with the boss. it was hard being that guy. the guy who's ordering people around, being firm when i had to. i realise now that when you're put in a position like that, its inevitable. you cant make everyone happy and so you have to stay true to who you are and stay true to your convictions, even if it hurts feelings.

in the middle of my journey i seemed to never have the time to stop and ask myself, if my best intentions stemmed from mixed motives, or what i was doing was right. and it was scary. i used to be so careful about my actions but being busy meant i didnt take the time to reflect on them, something i should have done, to remain level-headed.

but i was blessed with a compass, someone to keep me in check.(and i know she's going to be super pressured reading this and she's already super pressured to be the good child but i honestly have to give her credit) - but my sister is truly, truly, my role model. not a day goes by that i feel grateful to have her in my life. her principles, values and objectivity have always been admirable, perhaps it was something she had acquired in her past leadership positions in primary and secondary school, which i never stepped up to.

after my term, i used to think so hard if i needed to show up for an event just because i had to show my face or just to be there because i genuinely wanted to. like, a big event where everyone will be there and for some reason you would have the chance to be able to talk to more juniors, or interact with the community - the community that youre responsible for, and the community that youre representing.

over time, ive realised that if i put aside my emotions and just think objectively, theres a way to balance connecting with the community and being on your own.

also nts: if you don't want to go to an event that you made no commitment to go to, its ok. it really is ok. i get it, that fear of missing out is real, and the instastories that you’ll watch afterwards are also real. (pro-tip, they last 24 hours so stay off social media until then.) but, if you know you’ll be happier staying home and hanging out with your family, do it. nobody knows how to take care of yourself better than you do. there's a line between your own convictions and your perceived responsibility. so if you felt really sucky because you didnt spend time with your family this weekend, or you had to go to study for the next test and the last thing you want to do is be around people you literally have no obligation to spend time with and only for the sole purpose of idk socialising, then let me be the one say to you; just stay home.

its made me a tougher person.