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Took me some time to ponder this. (Edit: rn this entire message is tangential lol). (Edit2: I’ve moved this from imessage to linked doc). (edit3: this shit long af I always get carried away with these).

Frankly, I haven’t in the last couple years found myself wanting God or else to fix my issues. For my slowness or degeneration in healing, achievement, and growth has mostly been understood and rationalized in a loop: hyper-responsibility coupled with less-than-necessary action. Eg. Being lazy, acknowledging the vice, taking accountability, acknowledging the improvement, failing, feeling bad for knowing solution and not getting there, 🔄. 

Such as believing and seeing the riches of the next attainable evolution but maintaining ties and dependence on previously pleasurable vices from a level prior. This while knowing my present state is absolutely from me, for me, driven by me, and deserved (whether fun or not fun). Starts to sound pretty loony if left unchecked lol.

It feels more like self-abandonment than an abandonment from God since the root belief here is of hyper self-authority with God partly as the formless thinking substance permeating and penetrating the universe, which my thoughts are impressed on to produce the thought into existence).

However, I think this is possibly the same as realizing the resurrection power in our spirit.

The power of God to (in personification) think, believe, and so create is also deeply human power. In asking God to do X for me I must, before I can do X for myself, develop thought I can do X and believe in the infallibility of those principles enabling me to do X. Usually I don’t think we consciously think of this process, but I think this happens in the background for things until we hit some levelup point which requires us to employ more willpower.