...

Hello mate, I know I seem incredibly rude by not messaging you, especially when you're making an effort in a way that I really appreciate, being open and supportive and all but you were definitely on to something in your last messages. I haven't been in a good mental state recently, the last 3 or 4 months probably. I'm still doing alright, I haven't been at the worst depths but I've been pretty depressed and stuck in some vicious cyclical behaviours. When I'm in those modes I find it really hard to reach out to people. I think in one way I don't want to burden others with my negativity and in another, I feel as if I'm just overreacting to how I feel and that expressing it just seems kind of pathetic and as if I'm in need of pity. There's also an element to it where I find it difficult to even acknowledge that I'm feeling that way at all because then I have to do something about it, which causes me more anxiety to even contemplate. As I don't want to be a burden or seem like a victim I inadvertently isolate myself by trying to get into a better state of mind before I speak to someone. I delay a message a day because maybe I'll feel better to communicate the next day and then a week goes by and I still don't feel that I'm in the right mind frame to open myself up. Eventually I get sucked into this destructive loop of delay where I just avoid any form of contact with almost everyone. That already heavy, dark cloud is then amplified because I now assume that the person that I should have messaged is probably pissed that I ignored them and my message will have to include an apology too, which I don't exactly know how to formulate without painting myself as again, the victim. I know when it comes to our friendship I shouldn't be worrying about those kinds of things but there's something about my mentality that struggles to shed those concerns regardless of how close I am with somebody. The reason I've finally grabbed myself by the throat and forced myself to get back to you is because this morning I smoked a bit of weed and I confronted quite a lot of the guilt and anxiety I've been experiencing. Ignoring you was definitely one of the most guilt inducing predicaments because I don't want you to think that I'm unresponsive because of anything to do with you. The majority, if not all of it comes from what I said above. To be completely honest it's genuinely hard for me to engage in what most people see as totally normal interactions a lot of the time, even when I'm not undergoing a bout of depression, the difficulty is often still prevalent. I'm not exactly sure of every causative factor but over time, spending a lot of it on self-reflection I've gained some insight on certain particulars and that does allow it to be more manageable as long as I work to set healthy conditions for my actions and my surroundings. One of those healthy conditions is keeping people in my small circle who I know want the best for me, and of course I feel that when it comes to you man. I don't want to lose you as a mate because I genuinely appreciate your influence on me and I respect you a lot so I know I've got to do better when it comes to speaking to you and just as importantly, listening to what's going on in your life. 

When it comes to playing games I've been trying to restrict myself from indulging in that too much because I always end up wasting all of my time on it rather than developing those healthy conditions I said about. I have such an addictive personality that it's difficult for me to find a balance. Generally I've been spending my time watching YouTube videos and in particular trying to make sure that a large percentage of what I watch is educational or motivating in some way. I was reading quite a lot at the start of the year but I've become undisciplined for a month or so now, I started getting back into it again in the past few days though which is good. I've also been talking to Leila a lot, I spent a couple of weeks with her again starting from around the beginning of February and we talk most days when she's back at home in the land of baguettes. That relationship is going quite well even if there has been a handful of hiccups. Having someone I'm intimate with has been a gift and a curse in some ways; it's great in terms of wresting me from the extremities of depression because it has presented me with some hope and that good feeling that comes with building something cooperatively rather than feeling totally alone. Though it has also immersed me in a kind of crisis because when you're alone you can hide from your insufficiencies but when you have a person you like, who you want to impress breathing down your neck, at some point you have to come face-to-face with those inadequacies and figure that mess out. Though really I suppose it's all a gift if you handle it right. All in all, as I said I haven't been in total wallowing misery but I haven't been myself either. After smoking this morning it's interesting to observe how effortlessly weed unravels a lot of those mental knots that I accumulate. I get extremely nervous before and sometimes during the high because I know I'm going to feel disassociated and I'm not going to be able to get away from the inundation of worries that my ego has been shielding me from once I'm stoned. However in the end it wakes me up from the coma of self-sabotage and drives me to fix up. As long as I use it as a kind of spiritual medication when it's necessary rather than relying on it as a form of escapism as I did in the past. When I use it in that unhealthy way it seems to not only unravel those harmful knots affecting my mind but any of the beneficial structures I possess too. Even my perceptual circuits seem to get scrambled and I become a lot more prone to delusional ways of thinking. It's intriguing to analyse but it also gets quite dangerous and unnerving so I've learnt to stay away from it in those quantities. I did a workout for the first time in a while when I came back down to Earth this morning and then meditated for 20 minutes or so, so I'm going to try to ride those iridescent waves resulting from the bud and hopefully I can stop being a shit friend.

Anyway man, I wanted to articulate all of the thoughts and feelings circling around my headpiece otherwise it was going to eat me alive. You don't have to reply with the same volume of information of course, I just needed to break that ridiculous dam that was blocking my channels of communication with you and I guess there was a hefty build up over the past month or thereabouts. How are you doing mate? How's work and your life with Ila? Have you got up to anything interesting since we last spoke?