????

Why do I feel anxious? Why do I feel lost? Is it the state of the world? My concience knowing, that things are too big to handle as a normal person?

I wanna be a hero. Like Aloy, like Zoey, like the god of war himself. Like Dean and Sam or maybe Iron Man. But I am not. I am a little puzzle under thousands and thousands of pieces and my being, my life, does not matter in the big scheme. At least that‘s what it looks like, what it feels like.

Does me, living and pushing further even mean anything? Do I leave footprints? Will I stay alive when I am dead? Will I have changed people, created a will, left a heritage for others to pick up?

Sometimes I feel very powerful. I feel like I am actually making a difference, but is that only imagination? Will I wake up and realize one day, that I have done nothing to serve? That I have done nothing to add to this world.

Wo am I? Am I the hero? And if I am, of which story am I the hero of? What do I save, preserve and nurture? What do I fight against and what for? Am I? Probably. I know, therefore I am. But what!? Who? Why? Is there an answer?

Where is the path that is meant for me… where are the shoes I am supposed to wear? Is it even helpful to think about that? I am not sure about that. I am not sure who I am. I have difficulties sorting myself and discerning what and who I am. What my thoughts mean and how I can utilize everything.

In most games I go for balance. I love to be able to explore all the playstiles and experiment with what I have at my hands. And I am very similar in real life. Staying on the path and walking the same way tends to tire me out. It bores me and makes me weak and scared. I stay from my path. More so than I should probably. I want to walk further, see more, learn, experience, smell, taste, FEEL all of the things I can and suck it all in. I want to be as alive as possible. But sometimes I feel like a shell. Nothing penetrates it, nothing happens. There is nothing inside. Dead like a brittle stick. No roots, no life, nothing. Is it supposed to be like this? This heavy up and down? The search for the most tasteful stuff, just to withdraw from them even further after? Is that gonna hinder me in my pathfinding? Is it normal?

What is normal. What is normality. I have only sensed and felt the unusual. The weird and different.

I want them to help me, help myself. If I find myself, do I find my path? Do I find my journey through the world and live itself? Where are you. Where did I loose you? Or were you never around to begin with?

WE have alot to discuss. WE have alot to see and learn. We have to learn who we are and how we work as one unit. As me. We have to see and fine who I am and where I am going. My goal is to be whole. Some day. Sometimes.